Honesty

Well, it's been a long and eventful week.  At this point I am weighing the good and bad together and trying to decide which one is winning right now.  I guess the nice thing is that the week isn't over and that we have some fun things planned for the weekend.

I'm finally admitting to myself tonight that I am a little depressed.  Depression is a bit funny for me - it's never very deep and it's easy for me to get out of; but I don't notice it when it's happening...  It's always several days after the fact when I can get enough clarity to look backwards and say "Oh! - that's what I've been feeling!"  I'm sick of not having much to do.  Inactivity seems to be my arch-nemesis.  As of Saturday we will have been without our things for three months; and I am really starting to miss not being able to look at all of the things that mean home to me.

I once read somewhere that there are two types of people - those who will only feel at home in a specific geographic location and those who can live anywhere as long as they are surrounded by the things that mean home to them.  I think there are many more categories than those two; but as a broad description and as an illustration to my point they work just fine.  I fall into the latter category - there are things that I own that mean home to me in a big way.  I moved a lot in my late teen/early twenties years and it never seemed to bother me as long as I had those things that were a touch point to my life.

When I think of our crate and the things that are inside of it, my first mental picture is of the belongings I inherited from my parents - My mother's spice rack, a set of their wedding china, a cushion made out of one of my Dad's flannel shirts, my Mom's sewing machine...

Next I think about the things that have meaning for me regarding Joe and our life together - our framed photos from Hocking Hills, our wedding albums, our books....

I need those things to feel completely at home here as opposed to the sort-of at home I am feeling now.  Really, it's not about possessions.... We have almost nothing here; but Joe is the biggest thing in my life that means home to me - so, wherever he is is home to me.

I've also been feeling a bit homesick the last few nights - not in a weepy sort of way... Not even any longing to go back to the States really.  More of a general regret.  That I wasn't closer to people before I left or that I didn't appreciate the time with them as much as I should have when I had it.  It's hard to think that there will be two more babies born into the family in the next couple of months that I won't be able to see/hold/cuddle.  I think about everyone every day - really, I do. I'm just afraid sometimes that they aren't doing the same and that they will end up forgetting me.

See - Inactivity makes my brain go round and round and round..... never a good thing.
16 Responses
  1. Anonymous Says:

    Meems... I'm giving you an Interwebz hug....

    Whenever you feel blue, look at my card about baby carrots and cherry tomatoes, and smile. And, I will heckle you on FB chat whenever you want.

    I love you! Smile, it increases your face value! (Gotta love Steel Magnolias... a quote for every occasion.)

    --Meaghan

  2. Valerie Says:

    Cheer up, buttercup! I know how you are feeling - the key is to keep moving! Go for a walk, go to Mosman and get a library card, come visit me, go to the movies... you'll get through this. It is a hard phase, but your stuff will be here and it'll be over before you know it! Hugs!

  3. lilDdownunder Says:

    If it makes you feel any better I often feel exactly the same way: "I'm over here thinking about you guys, are you still thinking about me??"

    I'm working in a call center for right now and though it's not a glamorous job, it pays really well and I know they have an office in Sydney, too, that I'm pretty sure is hiring so let me know if you want some info on it. You get scheduled for between 20-35 hours a week so you still have time to do stuff around working. I was really bored and lonely before I started working and now it's making time fly and bringing in a bit of extra money for MOTH and I to save for wedding and house stuff.

  4. C. In Oz Says:

    So know what you mean about the stuff! Making this move has made me realize that I don't need a lot of stuff, but there is some stuff that I absolutely do need in order to feel like myself. Some of it is sentimental and some of it is just comfort-based (the right shampoo, good knives, etc.). I wish I could be more Bhuddist in my disattachment, but I'm just not.

    Hey, you know what will make you feel better? Beer. Date soon!

  5. Sarah Stewart Says:

    Hey Mimi,

    I appreciate the being with out your stuff feelings and that desperate desire to be "settled". We have been with our things since the end of January when we sold our house and moved in with my Mum. I know that desperate feeling for you possessions around you. I found it ebbed and flowed - sometimes I managed and reasoned OK and other times I wanted it so badly! Not long for me & you now. :)

  6. Gina E. Says:

    Awww Mimi, you poor soul {{{lots of Aussie hugs}}} coming your way.
    I can only imagine how you feel, as I've never been in your situation, but I can understand your depression at this point in time. You always sound such a jolly, positive person, and I'm sure this period will pass, especially when your possessions arrive. At least Joe seems to be doing well and settling into his job, which is a big plus. It would be awful to line up a job in another country, then get there to find you hate the work and the people! Hang in there, dear lady!

  7. Mimi and Joe Says:

    @ Megs - Thanks babe, I know you are right there with me all the time. We have gotten long distance friendship down to an art form :) I'll call you this week - I have a ton of stuff I need to talk about...

    @ Val - Thanks! I am looking forward to seeing you guys tomorrow for lunch - I think what I need to do is make a list of the things I can do when I am feeling blah and then post it on the fridge or something...

    @ Lil D - I actually have a part time job in the works; but I am waiting to formally announce it until it is set in stone... that will help a bunch - keeping me busy and extra money!

    @ C - I am so not kidding... I am going to the grocery store Monday and buying chicken salt! Chippys and beer at the Lord Nelson - Yum!!

    @ Sarah - Wow, that is a crazy long time! It's only been since the beginning of June for us so I guess it's not that bad... Want to meet for a coffee or are you till trying to get settled? Did you find a place? Where are you looking?

    @ Gina - Thanks, it's nice to have some Aussie love right now... This week I had two awful run-ins with Aussies who spent a great deal of time and effort trying to explain to me why they hate Americans so much and why America is such a horrible place. Yuck! The majority of people have been so incredibly welcoming and wonderful - it's just too bad I had to run into those 2 bad eggs....
    And yea, Joe's job is going great - I am so proud of him! He's already gotten a promotion and he has only been working there for two months!

  8. Mary Says:

    I'm not Pollyana by any means, but I hope it will help to know that you will settle in and things will be easier. Moving does strange things to us. We wake up in strange surroundings and have to prove ourselves to others yet again. It's no fun, but it is an adventure that can be made fun. I hope you have a wonderful day. Blessings...Mary

  9. Gina E. Says:

    Oh shit, I am soooooo embarrassed to read that. Those two Australians are typical of the ones who have never been outside of this country, and who judge the rest of the world by their own ignorant standards. I'm glad to know that most of the others have been helpful and polite, and I hope you don't meet too many more nasty ones.

  10. Catriona Ling Says:

    Hi Mimi - I have a theory that there is a pattern to expat emotion - particularly if you are the non working partner. Adrenalin and everything being new keeps you going for the first three months and then you suddenly hit a downer and you want to call a friend and then you realise that everyone you want to talk to is the other side of the world and asleep - but the good news is at this point that you make your first real friends and life gets better and better. Lots of love and enjoy the sunshine today after a grey Saturday. :)

  11. Anonymous Says:

    Meems, I think about you all the time! Especially now, as I wait for magic erasers to go on sale somewhere! ; )

    And don't worry, Biscuit will Skype you all the time after she's born! I'll try to call soon so you can see Evan's new haircut!

  12. the american Says:

    it'll get easier, esp once you have your stuff. took me a while and i still get it. having a job helps. it gets your mind off things and it allows you to meet more people. at least you've got your lovely hubby to take this journey with you and a beautiful country to do it in. i promise people back home miss you as much as you miss them. keep blogging and and getting out there. it'll keep you sane. :)

  13. Bindie Says:

    I hope you're feeling better, Mimi. If it helps, know that we've all been there. It's hard living in another country, especially after the "holiday" wears off. It's worth it though. Totally.

    As far as the anti-American comments, I usually own up and say, "YUP, you're right, the US government has it's issues and has made some unfortunate decisons/mistakes. Do you agree with all the decisions that YOUR govt makes?" And then I say, "you know what? I'm just a person, how about you judge me that way?" And then you can say, if that's not good enough, you can kiss my ass. Those people just aren't worth your time, or emotional involvement.

    x

  14. Mimi and Joe Says:

    @ Mary - Thanks so much! I don't think you are being Pollyananish at all... I know in my head that this is just a little bump in the road. We've been here 2 months now and most of it has been beyond what I could have even imagined. So, I know we will get our stuff, I will settle in a little more and get comfy! Thanks for reading and commenting... I checked out your blog and I have it bookmarked - you won me over with the lime curd and coconut cake... it's one of my favorite combinations :)

    @ Gina - don't worry, they have proven to be the exception to the rule... Everyone else has been incredibly welcoming - I think these people are the type who are just unhappy about everything and it leaks out in to all aspects of their lives...

    @ Catriona - Yep, you completely nailed it! That is exactly how I have been feeling... Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who sat down and listened to me talk it all out. Plus, I am making friends and have a part time job in the works so I think this is going to be a turning point.

    @ Julie - Yikes I miss you like crazy. I haven't been on Skype much cause I have just been feeling so puny - maybe we could email and set up a time to connect? Joe's mom just sent out my birthday package in the the mail - it is a surprise but I think there is a high probability that it may also contain Magic Erasers :)

    @ The american - Thanks, good advice on the blogging front... I always feel better once I have written it all down - it's just that when I am down I don't feel like writing :) What a battle!!

  15. suzinoz Says:

    Mimi-I hope your stuff arrives soon. I also hope that the new season of Spring puts a spring in your step. Sydney will be amazing when the winter withers away. A part time job is certainly a good idea--another way to meet new people and occupy your time. What you are feeling is totally normal, and as I think you already know, this too will pass. You're doing all the right things! I promise you'll look back at this post in 6 months time and think, "Wow, look how far I've come." Hang in there!

  16. Mimi and Joe Says:

    @ Bindie - yea, I guess it wouldn't be so bad if they could point to something that is really wrong with America... Both of them (when I asked them) explained to me that the reason they hate Americans was because Americans think their country is the greatest in the world. Don't the Aussies think that their country is the greatest in the world? Don't the French think that France is the greatest? Ugh - it's hard to argue with someone or admit fault when the only things that they can throw up as reasons for their hatred are, we are too patriotic, we don't know how to order coffee and 75% of our citizens are "uneducated".

    It doesn't really matter - These people have been the exception to the rule...

    @ Suz - thanks chick! The beautiful day today definately helped bring my mood up!

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